Networking
for Introverts:
Part I: Start Using
Strategies that Honor Your Natural Style
by Dr. John T. Carlsen
For most introverts, the prospect
of networking with other people - especially for finding out
about job openings or opportunities for career advancement -
is only slightly less appealing than having a root canal. In
fact, a root canal might seem preferable because it has a
definite end.
Networking, on the other hand,
can seem interminable and excruciating. And nothing feels
more unnatural or more unpleasant to an introvert than
purposely engaging in meaningless conversations in a room
full of strangers.
Introverts, by nature, feel much
more comfortable standing off to the side of the crowd
observing people, reflecting on their own thoughts and
feelings, and spinning out dreams or plans. And, by nature,
they would prefer finding one other person who wants to have
a conversation about something meaningful and finding
somewhere else where they can continue to chat over coffee
or a glass of wine.
No wonder introverts are so often
the first to be passed over for promotions or to be laid off
from a job. They have too much trouble developing the
skills they need to be recognized and rewarded for their
accomplishments. In fact, they generally do whatever they
can to escape being noticed any more than absolutely
necessary.
Would you include yourself in
this group?
If so, you are probably wondering where I got the
audacity to use "introvert" and "networking" in the same
sentence, much less to write an entire article that
incorporates both of them. You have probably long since
resigned yourself to your professional lot in life and tried
to learn to "make do" with what you have. Or, you have
probably convinced yourself that The Goodies of making money
and achieving status or professional advancement are out of
your league because they are the exclusive province of
extroverts.
Well, I have news for you:
- It’s time to start making some
changes in how you perceive yourself.
- It’s time to stop believing
you have to become someone else to get what you want.
- And, it’s time to start
acknowledging and cultivating the power of the gifts you
do possess, so you can start using them to reach your
professional goals and realize your potential.
The truth is, you are just fine
the way you are.
As an introvert, you have a
number of very important natural gifts and talents that can
help you to build a strong professional and personal
network. You will not, however, uncover them by watching the
extroverts around you and trying to use them as an example.
You will not uncover them by looking in most traditional
networking books. And, you will not uncover them by
constantly berating yourself for your in-born nature or
wishing you were someone else.
No, you will not uncover them
until you start recognizing your natural style and using it
to create a networking approach that works for you. In the
process of making this transformation, you might find the
following suggestions helpful:
Why Most
Introverts Hate (and Usually Fail at) Using Traditional
Networking Strategies and What You (as an Introvert) Can
Do to Start Cultivating Your Natural Networking Abilities
I have no idea how to "break the ice" properly,
and I hate participating in "small talk".
Strategy: Stop worrying about how to break the ice and
simply break it. The whole purpose of small talk is to
start a conversation and see whether or not the other
person is open to continuing it. The particular subject
you choose does not matter; what matters is that you fill
the silence with some words, any words. One of the biggest
challenges for introverts - who, again, are generally
interested in more meaningful conversation - is to let go
of this desire temporarily until it becomes
available.
Remember to start simply and
superficially: Make a comment about the food, the drinks,
the decorations, the size of the crowd or, even, the
recent weather or change of seasons. See if this gets the
other person’s attention and opens the door to further
conversation. If he or she responds, make another comment
or two about the subject you brought up to gauge his or
her interest in continuing.
Then you can follow up with a
more open-ended question related to the setting you are in
such as "How long have you been involved with this group?"
or "What got you interested in coming to tonight’s/today’s
program?" You do not need to keep the small talk going on
very long before moving to a deeper level. The key is to
keep a conversation going long enough to see if it evolves
into something more significant or simply ends after a few
pleasant words.
I hate feeling pushy and do not like to intrude
on others or bother them unnecessarily.
Strategy: First of all, recognize that more assertive
communication strategies are intrinsic to networking
situations. While this reality is not an excuse for
overt rudeness, most people come to these kinds of events
expecting to encounter and deal with them. If
it makes you more comfortable, you can redefine the
situation.
Stop thinking of yourself as a
guest and start acting as a host.
Typically, guests are passive:
They wait for someone to tell them where to hang their
coats, where to get a cocktail, and what other guests
would make interesting conversation partners for
them. Hosts, on the other hand, are much more
active. They move around the room paying a little bit of
attention to everyone and making sure all of the others
are enjoying. This quality of concern for others is
inherent in most introverts, so, with a little mental
shift, you can move into this natural role.
Introverts often know
intuitively how to scope out a room, how to make sure
other people are comfortable, and how to make sure their
guests have a good time. Thus, rather than feeling
that you are pushing yourself on others, you can shift
your focus toward helping them to feel more
comfortable. All you need to do is give yourself
permission to imagine that you have organized this event
and that you are responsible for helping to make it
successful. Also, by focusing on other people and
their needs, you will get out of your own head, reduce
your self-criticism and self-consciousness, increase your
feelings of confidence, and start feeling more at home in
this environment.
I have no idea how to tell when it is time to
move on to someone new, so i often get stuck trying to
get out of a dying conversation.
Strategy: One of the most important
networking skills introverts can learn is recognizing when
a conversation has no more potential. As an introvert, you
probably have a natural tendency to become fully attached
to another person or immersed in a conversation topic very
quickly, often before the other person has even started to
engage. As a result, you might open up too soon and have
difficulty recognizing when the conversation has lost its
energy or potential for continuing. Thus, you might wind
up feeling overly-exposed and have to rush to manage this
vulnerability. Soon, you become self-conscious,
over-stimulated, and flustered.
By contrast, extroverts
understandably do not attach emotionally or intellectually
to the meaning of the conversation until it has proven
itself worth pursuing. So, they can easily disengage and
move on to the next person when the conversation becomes
uninteresting or ends. This is what makes extroverts so
much more naturally suited to networking events and
cocktail parties, occasions that are designed to stay
rather superficial and pleasant. Not that extroverts
are themselves superficial: They are simply more
comfortable with and accustomed to focusing on the
external world.
Work on increasing your
awareness of how a given conversation is proceeding. As
soon as you become aware that it is becoming awkward or
coming to a close, or when you have started to run out of
things to say, excuse yourself to get another drink or to
use the restroom. No one will question your need to
do either of these, making the disconnection more natural
and smooth. Actually, the other person will often feel
relieved as well that someone took the initiative to free
him or her from this unproductive social interaction. In
any case, always remember to finish with "I enjoyed
meeting you. Thank you for a nice conversation." This
leaves the other person with a good impression of you and
leaves the door open to a future, possibly more
productive, interaction, even later at the same event.
I lack the confidence to "put myself out there"
in public.
Strategy: Rather than struggling to "put
yourself out there" try "inviting them in here" "Putting
yourself out there" is fundamentally an extrovert-based
strategy. It’s simply another version of "Just Do It,SM"
an idea that goes completely against the grain of an
introvert, someone who highly values of planning and
internal preparation. And, nothing could feel more
unnatural or more uncomfortable for an introvert than
acting impulsively. Typically, introverts have a
never-ending stream of fascinating thoughts, feelings,
observations, questions, and visions of the future.
Although it often takes them some years to recognize and
value this stream fully, self-aware introverts can come to
recognize this incredibly interesting world they have
within themselves. I often like to describe it as "The
Party Inside". And, I encourage introverts to protect this
internal world fiercely. Extroverts often interpret this
quality as aloofness or social awkwardness; I encourage
introverts simply to view it as self-preservation.
Normally, this inner drama
occupies introverts completely until they have to engage
with the outside world for some reason. If you, as an
introvert, pay close attention to other people at a social
event, however, you will very quickly have a reading on
whether or not they deserve to be included on your
exclusive Inside Party invitation list and whether you
will invite them to join it. Then, at the appropriate
time, when you have determined their ability to meet your
entrance criteria, you will either extend the invitation
or move on to another next person as described above. This
approach allows you to avoid opening yourself too quickly,
becoming self-conscious or over-stimulated, and shutting
down completely. As a result, you will have greater
flexibility in choosing the degree of your social
interactions and improve your chances of networking
successfully without unnecessary emotional or intellectual
wear-and-tear.
In summary, as you turn most
traditional networking strategies around and convert them
into their opposites, you will start uncovering methods that
fit more closely with your natural style. As a result, you
will build increased confidence in your ability to build a
worthwhile personal and professional network. Furthermore,
the more confident you become in using these new approaches,
the more willing you will become to start incorporating
other, more extroverted strategies into your repertoire.
Knowing that you can fall back on approaches that fit your
natural personality and that you are not limited to these
more traditional methods will feel free to experiment with
what feels comfortable for you. Then, you will become able
to stop berating yourself for not being an extrovert. And,
ultimately, you will find ways to modify these other
strategies so they take advantage of your in-born gifts.
Soon, your discomfort with networking will fade away and you
will wonder why you ever thought it was so difficult.
Can you imagine what you will be
able to accomplish then?
