What Can Happen If
You Hide Who You Are:
Balancing Your
Training Needs with Other People’s Expectations
by John T. Carlsen, Psy.D.
A few years ago, a young graduate student
reminded of the suffering that can come from trying to be something we are
not. She had sought me out for some career coaching after not matching with
the internship she wanted.
A few minutes into our conversation, she
revealed that, not only had she failed to match with her first-choice
internship, but she had also failed to attract even a single offer. (This was
back when offers came by phone on Match Day rather than simply through a
computer.) As she began to uncover her deeply-passionate interest in clinical
work and revealed her gentle, caring style, I struggled to comprehend how this
could have happened: I could not imagine why such a naturally-gifted new
therapist would not have selection committees beating down the doors with
offers to train her.
I asked what she wanted most from her training.
As she continued describing her experiences of interviewing, she gradually
revealed The Truth: She had wanted to develop her skills in using a particular
framework for working with young women in therapy. She described her hopes of
applying the "Self-in-Relation" model of women’s development (Dr.
Carol Gilligan and Stone Center) to psychotherapy with adolescent females who
were living in residential facilities. She thought it offered an innovative
approach for helping these young women to re-build their self-esteem and to
understand the profound significance of relationships in shaping their
identities.
Reluctantly, she acknowledged that she had not
brought up this interest during a single interview. She had felt too ashamed
to talk about it. Selection committee members had described their clients as a
mix of seriously-disturbed, inner-city adolescents from from a wide range of
economic circumstances and cultural backgrounds. They described the preferred
approach among staff - mostly former probation officers who had become
clinical psychologists - as cognitive/behavioral methods. This approach had
produced consistent results in modifying their clients’ delinquent behavior
patterns and maintaining order in the group homes. She described how she had
felt uncomfortable describing her interest in an approach that seemed so
"soft" and "abstract," especially in such an
empirically-based setting. So, instead, she had tried to present herself as a
dedicated, "card-carrying" cognitive/behaviorist.
As our conversation continued, she gradually
realized how she had undermined her best intentions: While trying to fit into
what she perceived as their ideal internship candidate, she had inadvertently
sold her therapeutic soul and betrayed her deepest professional dreams. We
discussed how, by trying to show that she could "fit in" as a member
of the staff, she had inadvertently excluded herself and her training needs
from her own training experience.
We finished our session by preparing her to
interview with sites in the clearinghouse. As we summarized what she had
learned, I encouraged her to keep the following principles in mind:
- Tune into what you truly want from your
training. The more specifically you can define it, the more clearly
you will be able to communicate to selection committees and the more
confidently you will stand up for it.
- Focus on your internal passion for this
work. This will enable you to ground yourself internally and prevent
you from focusing too much on others and their expectations. It will
also diminish the anxiety that comes from paying too much attention to
other people.
- Avoid trying to fit into what you think
others want you to be. Although it is tempting to believe this will
increase your chances of matching successfully, you will ultimately wind
up sabotaging your training experience.
- Remember who your audience is.
Selection committee members are professional therapists, trained to
notice discrepancies and to see through false presentations. You are
very unlikely to convince them that you are passionate about something
when you are not, because they know intuitively hot to gauge when
someone is not being authentic and honest.
- More importantly, even if you are able
to "pull off" this kind of impression to get an offer, you
will wind up paying handsomely for your success in the future.
Imagine having to spend nine months to an entire year training in a
setting in which you have to continue hiding who you actually are and
what you actually wanted to learn.
Ultimately, presenting an accurate version of
who you are will work to your benefit: Not only will you increase your chances
of matching with a site you want, you will also demonstrate a level of
maturity that most committees want in their trainees. You can always show them
that the different experience they offer will complement your existing
knowledge and skills. Nothing is more impressive to most supervisors than a
trainee who feels passionate about how they approach this work. A good
therapist knows how to stand strong on his or her own foundation and stand up
for his or her professional viewpoint, whether establishing and maintaining
boundaries with clients or justifying a particular diagnosis or therapeutic
intervention.
More importantly, there is nothing fun about
training someone who already shares the supervisor’s perspective - no
challenge, no growth, no opportunity for the supervisor to share his or her
expertise. Who knows? You might even wind up bringing something so new that it
inspires and stimulates interesting discussions among staff - and even reminds
them about why they do what they do.
Can you imagine anything more powerful in
attracting attention from the sites you want?
John T. Carlsen, Psy.D. is
a licensed clinical psychologist who trains and supervises psychology interns
and externs. He offers personal coaching and training resources for graduate
students applying for internships and post-doctoral jobs. Click here
to learn more about how to write
effective applications and prepare for interviews. Click here
to submit comments, questions, or suggestions for future newsletter topics.
